


the wonderful part of the mess that we've made

by devotions



Category: K-pop, NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Drunken Flirting, Falling In Love, Flirting, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Idols, Jealousy, Light Angst, M/M, Misunderstandings, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pining, Team Dynamics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:26:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22054009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/devotions/pseuds/devotions
Summary: Renjun stretches out across three of the four couch cushions and Jaemin lies his head on Renjun's stomach and wraps his arms around Renjun’s waist. Donghyuck curls up on his own remaining cushion, brings his knees to his chest and ignores the press of Jaemin’s toes into the side of his thighs.Jealousy is a green-eyed monster that must find a home inside everyone, he thinks to himself when Renjun locks eyes with him around Jaemin and smiles smugly. His fingers are playing at the end of Jaemin's hair.Donghyuck watches, and behind an iron-tight fist of self-control, wants.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Implied/Referenced Huang Ren Jun/ Na Jaemin
Comments: 36
Kudos: 418





	the wonderful part of the mess that we've made

There are a lot of things Donghyuck wants, irrationally and all-consumingly. Cravings that scorch him, that make him so desperate it overwhelms. He watches a flush crawl down the back of Renjun’s neck as Jaemin grabs his hand and laces their fingers together. Lightning strikes his insides hot, and sharp. In its wake, Renjun is dazed and smiling and the ground of his mind is still sizzling. He realizes then that he will never get the thing he wants the most. 

For as long as he’s known Renjun there’s been this phantom ache, this sore spot just below his ribs, and it blossoms when Renjun smiles so big his teeth cut into his bottom lip, or when he listens so intently to whatever Donghyuck is saying that he forgets to blink. Blooms when he mocks Donghyuck, or when he comes up to tug on the sleeves of Donghyuck’s sweater for no reason. He wants Renjun at the worst of times. When he’s exhausted and laying on the studio floor, glowing with sweat and tears. When he’s on stage, and their fingertips brush on accident during the choreography. First thing in the morning when he’s grouchy and snapping at everyone around him. This bruise, so close to his heart, is overripe, tender, and gets pushed on every time Renjun simply exists near Donghyuck. He wants him in the worst of ways, and in the best of ways, and in all ways possible. And that is so much more of Renjun than he can have.

If he had to pick his deadliest sin, Donghyuck thinks it would be greed. He always takes more than he’s given, carves miles in the space of the inches. Renjun is immune though. Renjun doesn’t give him anything. He’s caustic and biting and he refuses to put up with Donghyuck’s - or anyone’s - bullshit. He’ll knock Donghyuck’s chopsticks away from his plate without hesitation, or turn up the TV to drown out Donghyuck’s story if it’s interrupting the drama he’s interested in. He'll be the first to snap back when Donghyuck is being rude. Donghyuck is demanding and reckless and often thoughtless, where Renjun is steady, considerate and patient. Donghyuck needs his opposition. Renjun is the immovable object to his unstoppable force. The byproduct of this endless transfer of energy is the thrumming, simmering want in his veins. 

There’s a lot of irony in the fact that the one he craves the most is the same thing he has to do the most to refrain from having. Donghyuck isn't necessarily the poster child of self-control, but with Renjun, he’s learned better than to push where there’s no give. Demanding any more than he’s granted will only move him two steps back and one to the left. It’s for this reason that he doesn’t move in between Renjun and Jaemin, or cut Jaemin off to begin his own story. He sits quietly, tries to pay attention to the movie playing, and fiddles with the bottom button of his shirt. 

A firm hand grips his thigh, making the incessant shaking stop. He follows the arm up and finds that it belongs to Jaemin. “You’re making the couch shake.” He murmurs, a warm smile mismatching the exasperation in his tone.

Donghyuck sticks his tongue out at him. Jaemin stares blankly at him, without blinking. Just to make Donghyuck squirm, he leans forward and tries to lick Donghyuck’s cheek. Donghyuck doesn’t flinch, but it doesn’t matter because before Jaemin gets close enough, Renjun is yanking him away. Renjun ends up pulling at Jaemin until he's practically lying on top of him. Donghyuck's heart sinks, rests in that sore spot as he watches them roughhouse for a minute. 

“Hey!” Jisung whines, throwing a pillow at them from the other couch. The three of them always get exiled to the far couch when they all watch movies together because they’re loud and distracting. “Stop being weird. I want to watch the movie.” 

They settle. Renjun stretches out across three of the four couch cushions and Jaemin lies his head on Renjun's stomach and wraps his arms around Renjun’s waist. Donghyuck curls up on his own remaining cushion, brings his knees to his chest and ignores the press of Jaemin’s toes into the side of his thighs. 

Jealousy is a green-eyed monster that must find a home inside everyone, he thinks to himself when Renjun locks eyes with him around Jaemin and smiles smugly. His fingers are playing at the end of Jaemin's hair.

Donghyuck watches, and behind an iron-tight fist of self-control, wants.

  
  
  
  
  


_ ————— _

  
  
  
  


“And I told Jaemin that it wa- wait. Why are you staring at me like that?” Renjun cuts himself off, pausing with his full fork right in front of his face. At 2:15 in the morning, looking at Renjun under the flickering fluorescent lighting of this mediocre, twenty-four-seven noodle place, Donghyuck feels hungrier than he ever has.

“I’m focusing on your story?” Donghyuck says, keeping eye contact.  _ Focusing on you, _ his brain supplies helpfully. A flush starts to creep up. He’s probably been caught staring at the way Renjun’s lips move rather than the words he’s speaking. 

“Your face is intense sometimes,” Renjun concludes after he finishes chewing. 

“Intense how?” He really has been caught. Maybe it’s because there are no other distractions present for Renjun to focus on instead. Just him, Donghyuck and the table between them. He’d burst into Donghyuck’s shared room with Jisung at 1:42 am and begged him to get noodles. You’re the only one awake, Renjun had whispered, lips brushing against Donghyuck’s ear.  _ Hyuckie, please. I’ll even pay. _

It would be foolish to think of it as a date, but Donghyuck is a fool, and he can’t help the associations he makes: Renjun dragging him along hand-in-hand in the velvet dark of night singing obnoxiously loud, Renjun slapping his hand away when he tried to pay for his own food. It isn’t a date, but Donghyuck’s brain wants to pretend it is, and he is too tired to talk himself into being realistic right now. 

“Sometimes, you just look at me,” Renjun starts in the same even tone he was using before, but he’s grinning playfully now and leaning subconsciously closer to Donghyuck. “You look like you want to eat me.”

Renjun is clearly teasing, humoring himself, but the laugh gets stuck in Donghyuck’s throat. He now focuses on looking at anything but Renjun. 

It’s startling how well Renjun picks up on things about him no one else seems to be able to. He digs up Donghyuck’s innermost thoughts, sums them up in under ten brutal words, and lays them bare for the world to see. And isn’t it mortifying, to be known like that? To be understood without any context. 

Donghyuck snorts. Trust Renjun to subconsciously bare his bleeding heart out next to the fucking napkin dispenser. 

When he finally gains the courage to look back at Renjun, he does it with false overconfidence and a wink. “I can’t help it, Injunnie.” He says, too coy to be taken seriously. Disguising his honesty as a joke is always a safe tactic. Donghyuck is many things, but he is technically not a liar. “You just look so _ delectable _ sometimes.” 

Renjun is still looking at him, skeptical and amused. Donghyuck leans in himself, flutters his eyelashes and playfully snaps his teeth too close to Renjun’s nose for comfort. Renjun jumps back, and in his haste hits his head against the wood of the booth they're sitting in. 

Donghyuck can’t help how obnoxiously loud he laughs. It isn’t that funny, but it kills the moment and Renjun is laughing across from him. It’s a full-body, hiccuping, belly laugh and the sound of it fills the air between them and echoes in Donghyuck’s ears. Suddenly the restaurant is a little brighter, and the warm weight of the affection he has for Renjun feels safe. Tangible, golden and warm. He’s content, in this moment with Renjun across from him, kicking him under the table and telling him he’s ridiculous, smiling bigger and brighter than before. 

The feeling grows as he and Renjun continue to goof off in the restaurant, bringing him from content to downright giddy. This time he’s the one is dragging them along, belting into the calm night air with Renjun giggling at his side. It’s too late to be up, much less out and yelling for no reason but that doesn’t matter. No one else is around to stop them. He could stay up for hours doing this exact thing with Renjun and probably never feel tired. 

They’re both giggling and shushing each other by the time they make it back to the dorms. There's a light on in the living room casting shadows in the hallway. Jaemin is sitting on the couch, scrolling on his phone. “What are you doing still up?” Renjun offers as a greeting and leans down to pinch Jaemin’s cheek. Donghyuck bends down to give him a kiss on the forehead, just for the hell of it. Jaemin smiles up at them and closes his phone. 

“I couldn’t sleep, still. I tried for a while after you left but eventually, I came out to get some water and then just ended up laying here for a while.” Jaemin says quietly. 

Donghyuck freezes, as he registers the words after you left and still up. Renjun told him that nobody else was awake. Before he can stop it, an impossible kind of disbelief starts to float through him. Does that mean Renjun chose to spend time with Donghyuck over Jaemin? Donghyuck was his first choice?

“Where are you guys coming from?” Jaemin asks.

“We went to our noodle place, you know the one off 13th? It’s open all night and so we got food and hung out for a while.” Renjun says.

Jaemin hums. “I almost wish I would have gone. Was Mrs. Choi working tonight?” 

_ Our _ noodle place. 

So of course, Donghyuck would not Renjun’s first choice. He can see exactly how this scene played out; Renjun couldn’t sleep and was craving noodles. So he decided to ask Jaemin to go with him. To their noodle place. When Jaemin told him no, he went and found Donghyuck as back-up. 

In conclusion, Donghyuck is a fool.

Renjun and Jaemin keep talking, but Donghyuck isn’t actually listening anymore. Suddenly, he’s exhausted again. The weight of wanting Renjun the way he does no longer feels bearable with a third person in the room. Not with Renjun’s first choice in the room. 

“I actually am gonna go to bed.” He announces, partially cutting Renjun off. “Goodnight guys.”

Jaemin hums affirmatively at him, but Renjun keeps talking. Doesn’t acknowledge him at all. Donghyuck starts towards the hallway. He’s maybe taken two or three steps past them when he hears Renjun calling his name. He gathers a breath and spins around to face them again. Renjun is holding Jaemin’s hand, rubbing his thumb absentmindedly. 

“I had a good time tonight with you, Hyuckie,” Renjun says, with a small smile on his face. “Thank you for coming out with me. Sweet dreams.” 

Donghyuck’s traitorous, stupid heart picks up in his chest again. It shouldn’t matter if he’s thanking Donghyuck for just hanging out with him, or wishing him goodnight. He firmly tells himself that it doesn’t matter because Donghyuck wasn’t the one he wanted to go out with in the first place. It doesn’t matter because Renjun is almost lying down on top of Jaemin right now, even if he's speaking to Donghyuck. It doesn’t matter because Donghyuck is sulking back to his bed alone, and the two of them don’t look like they’re planning on moving any time soon. Even when they do they’ll be going back to _ their _ room that  _ they  _ share. 

It’s hard to swallow, just to mumble back. “It was a lot of fun.” Before he continues the journey back to his room. The lump in his throat doesn’t go away. He doesn’t let the hot tears run down his face until he’s tucked into his own bed. Alone.

As he cries, he remembers trying to convince himself it was a date. He also thinks of how great it felt, to just be with Renjun. To let himself pretend he had what he wanted. He thinks of the weight of Renjun’s hand in his, and the brightness of his smile and then, because he’s a masochist, he also thinks of the way Renjun said our noodle place and the way he looks curled up on Jaemin’s chest. 

Foolish, indeed.

  
  
  
  
  


—————

  
  
  
  
  


Renjun likes to do this thing with Donghyuck. 

It's not quite a game. In a way, it feels like he’s being toyed with, or pushed at. Mostly it just feels like Renjun is testing him. It always ends the same: Donghyuck feeling like he’s exposed too much of his hand, defensive and snappy and Renjun assessing him with renewed interest. Like he never thought he’d get to this far from the get-go, just creeping closer until Donghyuck spooks.

It always starts in unexpected ways. Today, Donghyuck finds himself trapped in conversation with a trainee, a pretty girl named Eunhee, or Eunha or something like it, with wide eyes and a sharp smile. It’s not that she isn’t sweet, because she really is. It’s just that she never shuts up, and Donghyuck can only talk about which brands of laundry soap are best for spandex for less than, say, four minutes before he goes insane. He’s not actually listening anymore: just humming an affirmative and nodding as she talks. Renjun swoops in to save him, mercifully.

“Hey, was the mic acting weird for you in Studio 3 earlier? Oh, hello Eunha-ssi. my apologies.” Renjun cuts in, smiling sweetly at her. His eyes flicker to Donghyuck, looking for confirmation that he wants an out. Donghyuck nods, as imperceptibly as possible.

“It gave me a little trouble at first, but manager-hyung showed me how to fix it. I could help you?” Donghyuck offers. 

Renjun nods. “Please do. You know I’m hopeless with that sort of stuff.” He isn't. It’s actually Donghyuck is hopeless with it and Renjun who runs to his rescue. “Bye, Eunha. Sorry to steal him.” 

“Bye, Eunha!” Donghyuck says, as Renjun puts a hand on Donghyuck’s back and guides him back to the recording studio. “It was so nice to see you again!” He turns around to call back. She waves, with her ever-present, glowy smile on her rosy cheeks.

Renjun snorts. The small studio is empty, but Donghyuck remembers that Renjun goes everywhere at least 15 minutes early. He has to bite down the affection he feels. What a dweeb. 

“Thank you,” Donghyuck says, and sits down in one of the rolling chairs. Renjun sits in the chair next to him and props his legs up on the arms of Donghyuck’s chair.

“I don’t really understand you,” Renjun says. His voice isn’t exactly accusatory, but just observational. Dry, and neutral enough that Donghyuck’s hackles rise on instinct. This is how it starts.

“What does that mean?” He returns wearily. 

“Just. I would have no clue you didn’t like her if I hadn’t her you talk shit about her before. Especially not based on the way you act when you run into her.”

“I don’t dislike her. I don’t talk shit about her either.” Donghyuck protests. It’s true. He mildly complains, at most, and then moves on to talk about another, more important part of his day. “I just don’t think I want to be her friend. If I can, I avoid her.” 

“Does she know that?” Renjun counters. He looks expectant, like Donghyuck won’t have a good answer for this. “You’re so….. friendly. She probably has no idea.” 

“Doesn’t matter if she does or doesn’t.” It's a small victory when Renjun frowns. 

“Why not just make it clear you don’t like her then?” 

“Why be rude when you can just keep going with your day?” Checkmate. “And again, I don’t  _ not _ like her.” He repeats, with more emphasis. 

“Why say anything at all? Just avoid her entirely. That’s what I would do.” Renjun shrugs. For some reason, he looks progressively more annoyed the more Donghyuck expresses that he doesn’t hate the poor girl. 

Donghyuck pauses. He wants to find the words to describe this in a way Renjun will understand, mostly. But he’s also trying to figure out what Renjun’s angle is in all of this and figure out why the fuck they’re still talking about this. His brain hurts, and he wants out of this puzzle.

“I won’t go out of my way to avoid her.” Is what he finally settles on. Renjun is still frowning at him. “ I don’t really think it’s worth it because I don’t actively dislike her. I just don’t think about her. I barely know her. So why would I go out of my way to avoid her? Or be hateful to her. That seems ridiculous when I could simply say hi and move on.” 

Renjun blinks at him. He keeps staring at Donghyuck in the same way, inquisitive and heavy. After a few seconds, he nods as though he’s accepting Donghyuck’s words. But he doesn’t look away.

“It’s just so hard to tell sometimes. I feel like I never really know what’s going on in your hand.” He says, evenly, as though it’s something he needs to say carefully. It probably is. 

Donghyuck doesn’t like that any more than if it were an attack. He doesn’t need to be handled with kid gloves. Not by Renjun. He feels his lips press together, and his eyes narrow. “How?”

He means it. He wants to know how. Donghyuck doesn’t consider himself a shy or reserved person, but he knows he can be guarded. He has to be. To work in any entertainment industry, you have to speak carefully. Especially when you’re prone to talking a lot. Donghyuck learned at a very young age just how quickly loose lips can sink ships. Donghyuck can speak in spades, talk for hours but never ever reveal anything he  _ really _ thinks. Hold your cards close and play them wisely. Hide your hand, but peak at someone else’s if given the opportunity. 

But. He doesn’t do this with Renjun. He’s never used any of those tricks with Dream. Mostly because he never had the choice to be anything but open with them. Usually, Donghyuck is uncomfortable with how well they play his hand without realizing it.

If he had to add up all the time spent, he’s probably been with them for more of it than he’s been alone. There is a kind of immeasurable trust between them, and it boils down to this. No one else will ever know them better than they’ve known each other. For better or worse, they are ingrained, permanently part of one another, and part of a team. It isn’t quite as simple as wedding vows. 

“It’s confusing, the way you treat the people you love and the people you don’t like,” Renjun says. “When we first met, I could hardly tell what you thought of me, or if you thought of me at all. I assumed I bothered you.”

He did. Renjun had bothered him endlessly when they first met. He was a defiant kid, brash and stubborn and loud but the problem was that he and Donghyuck were defiant and stubborn and loud in all the same ways. It made Donghyuck feel like they were both fighting for space to breathe in a room that could only fit one of them. Everything Renjun did felt like an undercut. Everything they did together felt like a competition. It was a long while before Donghyuck realized they were working towards the same goal  _ and _ on the same side. 

(Months later, when Renjun smiles at him, glowing and victorious, stuck in his position on the practice room floor, Donghyuck comes to another realization altogether. His legs feel like they’re turning jelly for an entire other reason than the brutal choreography they've been working at for hours.)

“I thought about you a lot then,” Donghyuck says, words tumbling out before he can stop it. Renjun starts, looking surprised. He smiles, and the tips of Donghyuck’s ears glow pink. This is too close to the truth, too close to giving away what he’s hiding in his hand. It’s time to save face. If you lay down a queen, you can still cover it with a Jack. “I don’t think about you at all now.” He jokes, swatting at Renjun’s legs on his own chair.

Renjun huffs. “As if I’d ever want that.” He says, letting his voice betray his affection. He drops his feet in Donghyuck’s lap in retaliation. Donghyuck doesn’t know what to do with the warmth in his gaze. It prickles at the back of his neck. 

“Also,” he exclaims, smacking his hands against Renjun’s calves. “You can dislike someone and love them at the same time. The two are not mutually exclusive.”

Renjun wrinkles his face at him like he doesn’t understand again. “You’re so weird, Hyuckie.”

  
  
  
  
  


—————

  
  
  
  
  
  


“Chug it, chug it, chug it, chug it!” Donghyuck chants, hitting his fists on the table to make it rattle. Jeno arrived dinner late but is trying (and struggling) to go shot-for-shot with Jaemin. Donghyuck watches him wince when the sickly-sweet, artificial pineapple taste in the soju goes down. He can sympathize. Pineapple soju is one of his least favorites too, but it was Mark’s turn to pick a flavor this round. Jaemin pats Jeno's shoulder sympathetically but pours him another.

Donghyuck feels warm, pleasantly tipsy. He's surrounded by most of his favorite people in this world. Jeno and Jaemin are to his left, and Jisung is to his right. Mark is across the table, giggling, watching them all with shining eyes. Donghyuck winks at him, just to watch his cheeks glow pink. Next to him, Renjun and Chenle are murmuring back and forth to one another in Chinese. Renjun is sneaking little bits of soju into Chenle’s glass when he thinks the auntie who owns the restaurant isn’t paying attention to them. They’re good, nights like this. They ground Donghyuck. They make him feel normal, out with his friends like he’s any other 19 year old on a Friday night.

He absently pats at Jeno’s knee as he listens to Jisung’s story about his latest kill on Overwatch.

“Jisung-ah.” Renjun interrupts, swatting at a laughing Chenle. “Get your friend away from me. He’s being mean.”

Chenle is already pushing him to the edge of the booth. “You’re so annoying. I’d rather talk to Jisungie instead.” 

Renjun sniffs. “Donghyuck is my favorite anyways.” 

“We all know that.” 

Before he realizes the change, Jisung is now sitting across from him and Renjun is pressed into his side and resting his head against Donghyuck’s shoulder. “Hi, dearest.” Renjun smiles. Donghyuck feels his chest drop a little bit.  _ Dearest. _ What a nerd.

“Hi, Renjunnie.” He laughs when Renjun looks up at him and lets his lashes flutter. “Are you having fun?”

“Of course I’m having fun. Good food, good drink, good you. What’s not to enjoy?” He’s flirting now, charm dripping from his tone.

Donghyuck’s ears burn. Renjun is a flirty drunk, harmless and overly affectionate It never fails to send him into overdrive. Belatedly, he realizes his hand is on Renjun’s upper thigh now. “You’re being extra gross tonight,” Donghyuck tells him, and pours himself another shot of soju. 

“Because you look extra good tonight.” He purrs, fingers dancing at the collar of Donghyuck’s shirt. 

_ Oh god. _ The room is ten degrees warmer than it was before. Donghyuck laughs shakily. “You’re doing too much, Jun-ah.” 

The hands move down his arm, and Renjun laces their fingers together. “You’re not doing enough, baby.” His voice is lower now, smooth, and goading. He sighs, drawn out. “You’re always dishing it out, but you can never take it.” It slides over Donghyuck’s nerves and rubs him the exact way Renjun wants it to. 

The sober part of Donghyuck’s brain can recognize the danger of rising to the bait. The tipsy part of his brain doesn’t care. Donghyuck has been challenged. His pride is at stake. The hand that was already on Renjun’s thigh tightens. He leans in closer. Renjun watches and parts his lips. Donghyuck smirks a little bit. “I can take plenty, baby.” He sighs breathily.

“Yeah?” Renjun asks, closing more space between them. Donghyuck can feel each breath between them. A finger curls around his belt loop. 

“Yeah.” Donghyuck whispers, tilting his head just a little. “Too bad you’ll never find out just how much.” 

With that, he pushes Renjun away. He giggles as Renjun wobbles and catches him before he falls off the end of the booth. He wacks Donghyuck’s hands off of him. “You’re terrible.” He whines, with a small pout. “Just the worst, Hyuckie. A hopeless flirt and a terrible tease.” 

“It’s all part of my charm.” He says with a wink and pats at Renjun’s cheek. The moment is over but the heat lingering in his gut hasn’t fully dissipated. 

“Whatever. I think you’re just a chicken.” Renjun says as he pours them both another glass. Green apple this time, Donghyuck’s favorite. He accepts it without question.

“Well, now you’re just sweet-talking me, Renjun-ah.” He returns. They bicker back and forth easily and bounce between subject to subject. Mark, Chenle, and Jisung rejoin join them when they start arguing about aliens. 

Donghyuck keeps up with the conversation effortlessly, but his brain never strays too far from their previous exchange. _ I think you’re just a chicken. _ Renjun is right, but only conditionally. Donghyuck can flirt with a brick wall. He’s usually the one leaving people tongue-tied and breathless. But when Renjun turns it around and gives Donghyuck a taste of his own medicine? It’s the worst. Mostly because all the flirting he does with everyone else has no meaning for him. It comes as second nature. But when Renjun flirts with him, he gets all up in his head about it. It gives him the idea that it has to mean something. That Renjun might even want him, just a little bit. He doesn’t want to take it too far. He has tease because that’s all he’s allowed in this situation.

He also keeps drifting back to the way Renjun’s pink lips parted so easily, the way he shifted when Donghyuck grabbed him. It took an obscene amount of self-control not to just say fuck it and kiss him. Even now, Renjun is a warm solid weight, pressed up against him, laughing at Chenle’s impression of an alien. Donghyuck finds that he still wants to kiss the hell out of him. 

So he does. He only mostly chickens out. “Renjun-ah.” He sighs. Renjun turns to face him. He kisses Renjun’s forehead, sloppy and exaggerated. Renjun stares up at him, unreadably with furrowed eyebrows. He stays very, very still for a few seconds. “And you called me gross.” Is what he finally says in a weirdly small voice. “You’re like, a disgustingly cute drunk.” 

Donghyuck smiles. “Just for you, Junnie. Just for you.”

  
  
  
  
  
  


_ ————— _

  
  
  
  
  


“I’m sorry,” Jeno says dejectedly, muffled against the wet skin of Donghyuck’s shoulder blade. Despite being so much bigger than Donghyuck now, he still finds a way to fold in on himself, turn small and cling to him. It’s ridiculous, the way he orients around Donghyuck, how he tries to revolve around him like he’s actually sun when it's just the two of them. They look absolutely ridiculous now, rain-soaked and Jeno, with all his tall, hulking muscle clinging to Donghyuck, draping himself across his shoulders like a giant feather boa while they walk back to their place.

“What are you apologizing for?” Donghyuck's fond, and a little exasperated. Of course, Jeno would try to say sorry for something he has no control over. Like it’s his fault the sky split open and poured on them. Jeno shakes his head and Donghyuck watches water droplets fall from the action. The white t-shirt he’s wearing is completely soaked through and transparent. 

“We barely got out the door. I should have brought an umbrella.” Jeno mumbles again, not even bothering to separate from him while Donghyuck struggles to dig into his pockets for the keys to the door. 

“Just because we didn’t go to the book store doesn’t mean we can’t spend time together, you dweeb,” Donghyuck reassures him. “We can just stay in and watch a movie tonight.” 

Jeno perks up a little bit and looks at him with wide eyes. The fondness he was feeling earlier blooms into affection and settles inside Donghyuck’s chest, warm and hazy. “Can we go to the convenience store and get snacks? After we change and stuff.”

“Of course we can,” Donghyuck promises, half cooing, and smiles when Jeno beams down at him. He stops rummaging through his pockets just to turn around and pat Jeno on the cheek. He’s just so sweet. 

“Looking for these?” Jeno asks, beam still in place. In one hand, he’s dangling Donghyuck’s keys. 

Maybe not so sweet. A little bit mean, too. He’s like the opposite of the American candy Mark likes, sweet, and then sour. Donghyuck isn’t even annoyed, though. “You suck.” He snatches them before and opens the door. “We could have been insi-” 

The rest of Donghyuck’s sentence gets lodged in his throat. Jeno gasps next to him. They’re both frozen at the end of the hallway, where it opens to face the living room. In front of them, Jaemin has Renjun pushed up against their fridge. Renjun is clearly leading the kiss, with hands tangled in Jaemin’s hair. They’re both so into it, dedicated to devouring each other in the middle of the kitchen they don’t even notice they have company. 

“Well,” Donghyuck hears himself saying, loud and intentional. It comes out garbled, and a little breathless.  _ Shit. _ He hopes it comes off as shocked, and not like his heart is being sliced in his chest. Jaemin jumps apart from Renjun like he’s been electrocuted. Both of their eyes are so wide it’s almost comical. “Look at all the fun you can get up to in just ten minutes, Jeno-ah..”

Jeno lets out Donghyuck thinks is supposed to be a laugh but sounds like a choking noise. Jaemin and Renjun are staring at them wordlessly, flushed and breathing heavily. He can’t help but realize that Renjun looks so  _ pretty _ like this, all pink to the tips of his ears and messy hair and swollen lips. The pain in Donghyuck’s chest stings hot and fierce, and it conflicts with the growing heat at the stirring inside his gut. Where the two meet, he feels nauseous. 

“Well. God forbid you stop on our account.” Donghyuck draws again, deadpan as possible.

It comes out heavy, words weighed down and more accusatory than they should be. The not-quite silence that follows makes it hard to ignore that he’s about three seconds from sobbing. 

“We thought we were gonna be the only ones here for a while.” Jaemin tries, sounding breathless and a little dumb. 

Donghyuck can’t resist the urge to roll his eyes. Nothing Jaemin - nor Renjun - could say at this moment would make him feel better, and he feels _ too much _ right now to be having this conversation anyhow.

He walks down the hall to his room instead, careful not to stomp or slam the door. The quiet click of it closing still feels like a deafening echo. After it, the only thing that fights the silence is the sound of rain tapping off the windowpane. When he takes off his shirt, and all he can hear is Renjun’s breathy whine when Jaemin’s hand slipped under his shirt, all he can replay is Renjun’s thighs wrapped around Jaemin’s waist, and all he can feel is this violent nausea, the room is spinning.

He lies down because he has to. He’s too overwhelmed to think, somewhere between seasick and lovesick, and lets his nausea take him in waves. He doesn’t register the feeling of his wet jeans soaking the blankets beneath him. The tide of his emotions ebb and flow to the rhythm of his barely beating heart. When he comes back to shore, he stands up and methodically gets dressed.

It occurs to him while practicing schooling his expression in the mirror, that he’s completely fucked. In more ways than one. If seeing a little kissing and heavy petting puts him in this state, he’d never survive walking in on something bigger, something worse. And moreover, now that he’s seen it, he’ll never stop wanting it. Half of his nausea stems from jealousy, and the other half is from trying to swallow the weight of his desire to have Renjun underneath him like that. Clarity sinks inside him, simmers sickly in his stomach. Seeing is so much worse than imagining, because it’s undeniable now, the way he aches for Renjun. Donghyuck can’t talk himself out of this anymore. However, he’ll be damned if he doesn’t die trying. 

He thinks of the way he felt watching Jaemin and Renjun wrestle on the couch that day. He’s never been so upset to be right about something. 

When he comes back into the living room, Jeno, Jaemin, and Renjun are sitting on the couch. There’s a weird silence hanging between them. “What took you so long?” Jeno asks helplessly. 

“I wanted to get warm for a second before we left again.” The excuse slides off his tongue smoother than he expects. Nice. Good. “Are we going to the store now?” Donghyuck asks. “I grabbed the big umbrella from my room.”

Jeno nods and gets up. He’s grabbing his shoes, and Donghyuck watches with a patience he doesn't feel. It actually feels like he’s burning, trapped in the awkward energy of this room.

“Really? You’re just going to leave again? Jaemin says, after another minute of tension.

“Without talking about this?” Renjun tacks on.

Donghyuck has to resist the urge to spit  _ Not everything’s about what you do, sweetheart. _ Trust Jaemin to assume their night would stop on his account. Trust Renjun to assume he would ever want to _ talk about this. _ God. 

Donghyuck turns to face them head-on since he re-entered the room and finds they're both already looking at him in cautious anticipation. It seems unfair that they’re looking to him, considering Jeno has been their unspoken leader since Mark left. But Jeno is avoiding all three of them, angling his body away and tying his shoes like it’s the most important thing he's ever done. Jeno’s not the type to talk things out anyway. It’s always been Donghyuck responsibility more or less to talk them out of trouble. Of any kind.

“Here’s the deal. No talking. Jeno and I are going to go to the store, and when we pass you on the way back to watch a movie in my room, things aren’t going to be weird because we didn’t see anything. Right, Jeno?” 

“Right,” Jeno confirms, pretty immediately for a guy who’s been tying the same shoe for like, three minutes now.

Donghyuck then raises an eyebrow at both of them. Jaemin’s face doesn’t give much away but Renjun is chewing his bottom lip, looking at Donghyuck with the same weird caution. Something us clouding his face. “It’s not serious,” is what he seems to settle on saying. Jaemin nods along immediately. “Like, really -“

“Gee, this sure sounds like the start of the awkward conversation we  _ won’t _ be having.” Donghyuck rolls his eyes. The words that follow are technically a lie, but he doesn’t know how else to avoid this entirely so he says: “Really, guys. It’s not a big deal.”

“It’s not a big deal,” Renjun repeats with more insistence, scanning Donghyuck’s face like he’s searching for something. Thankfully, he finds nothing, because he can’t actually see the way Donghyuck’s heart is fissuring inside him.

“Not a big deal,” Jaemin confirms, looking relieved. 

Jeno stands up, also looking equally relieved. The air feels much less tense, and a lot less heavy now. Donghyuck’s chest does not. Neither does Renjun’s gaze. That’s fine. “Sweet. Do you guys want anything from the store?” He asks as Jeno opens the door.

“Yes, actually,” Jaemin says hopefully. “Can you get me a bag of - ”

“Aw, damn, that sucks. Sounds like you should go yourself then!” Donghyuck croons sweetly and slams the door shut behind them. Which is kind of a dick move, but very on-brand for him. Mostly because they’ll bring back the snacks regardless. 

He and Jeno don’t talk about it either, and thank God for that because Donghyuck’s facade is wound too tight and too thin, and it would not survive a second round of “conversation”.

Instead, they mess around in the convenience store, tickle each other in the middle of isles, have a dance competition and argue about snacks for far too long. When they get back to the dorm, Renjun and Jaemin are sitting in their room with the door open, listening to music. Donghyuck throws them a bag of plantain chips for Jaemin and a bag of little caramel candies that he’s seen Renjun buy before into their room. Jaemin crows excitedly and Renjun flicks them off.

That’s normal. Donghyuck tries to convince himself that it’s good, things are fine, and the heartbreak doesn’t linger. He’s fine, great even when they go to Jeno and Chenle’s room, snuggle up in Jeno’s bed and watch shitty romance movies on Netflix with subtitles until they both fall asleep.

If it lingers, then it certainly grows, finds it’s own strength to wash back over him at 2:53 am when he crawls back into his own bed and finds the covers still damp. 

  
  
  
  
  


_ ————— _

  
  
  
  
  


Donghyuck does his best to act normal in the aftermath of The Thing That Didn’t Happen. For the most part, he’s successful. Things aren’t weird with anyone, and if Renjun and Jaemin are still doing what doing, they don’t get caught again. It’s easy to get swept up and embrace the routine. Practice and record and prepare, spend hours on top of hours on top of hours with each other, as usual. For all that it matters, things are the same.

Mostly what's different is how Donghyuck feels when he’s alone. He’s so much more exhausted by the end each day that it feels like the tired is weighing down on his bones. But sleep never comes to him. Instead, he stares listlessly at the ceiling and thinks about everything that happened with Renjun over the previous day. Repeats to himself:  _ It doesn’t matter, he has Jaemin. It doesn’t matter, he has Jaemin. It doesn’t matter, he has Jaemin. _ This is only the truth, but it still rings hollowly both in his thoughts and in his chest. 

He starts to hate it, loathes being left alone with himself. He hates how wrapped up in his own feelings he gets when no one is around to distract him. Things are fine when he’s with other people. 

Right now, he’s sitting alone in the kitchen in the middle of the day, thinking about Renjun playing with his hair in the car earlier. Because he’s some kind of pathetic, thirteen-year-old girl with an incurable crush. This is how Jaemin finds him, staring emptily at his peach smoothie.

“What’s wrong, Hyuckie?” He asks, concern radiating from him in the timbre of his voice and the pout of his lips.

Donghyuck shakes out his sadness and meets Jaemin's gaze. “Nothing.” He lies smoothly and offers Jaemin a half-smile. “I was just thinking.” 

Jaemin frowns as if he knows better. The worry on his face doesn’t go away. He grabs a glass and starts to get water from the fridge. “Thinking always make you look so sad?”

“Of course. Thinking takes so much focus. Life’s always better when I can just be a pretty face.” Donghyuck sighs.

Jaemin rolls his eyes. He can see right through that too. “Whatever. Keep your thoughts secret then. I’ll be here when you stop torturing yourself.”

Donghyuck rolls his eyes. Hell should freeze over first. “Sure, Jaeminnie. Whatcha up to?” He asks, mostly because he wants to change the subject and partially because he can possibly coerce Jaemin into hanging out with him.

“Renjun wants to see a movie, so we’re going to the theater in like half an hour,” Jaemin says. He’s still in his pajamas. It's currently 3pm. “I’m about to take a nap quick shower and get dressed now.”

Donghyuck makes a face and then smooths it out in the same second. “Got a cute date for the early bird special, huh?” He jokes. It comes out normal but Jaemin still pauses, and arches an eyebrow, like he can tell how much emptier Donghyuck's chest feels. 

Jaemin stares at him, looking all over his face. He must find what he’s looking for. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” He says, sounding exasperated. “I can’t believe I didn’t realize this sooner. Is that what you’ve been pouting about when you think no one is looking?”

Donghyuck frowns and immediately goes on the defensive. “I don’t pout.” He snaps. 

“Oh, fuck off, Lee.” He scoffs. He shakes his head like he can’t believe it. “This is ridiculous. I can’t believe I have to have this conversation with you. I’m not dating Renjun.” 

Donghyuck almost wants to call him a liar. Instead, he sticks to playing ignorant. “I never said I thought you were.” 

“But you totally do.” Jaemin insists. “And I’m telling you we aren’t. We already told you the thing between us is like. Not a big deal. It’s not even a real thing.” 

_ But Renjun wants it to be. _ Donghyuck thinks to himself, remembering the way Renjun stopped Jaemin from kissing Donghyuck that day on the couch, and the way Renjun wouldn’t shut up about him the night they went to their noodle restaurant. Donghyuck has a split second of feeling bad. What if Renjun wants a relationship and Jaemin just wants to fool around? But Jaemin just isn’t the type to lead anyone on, and Renjun isn't the type to be lead. Maybe he and Jaemin really are just ...alleviating stress together? Oh no. What if Renjun hasn’t told him yet? Jaemin would never string someone along on purpose. 

“Okay, okay,” Donghyuck says, holding his hands up in surrender. “I believe you. Don’t try to convince yourself so much.”

Jaemin groans. “You’re unbelievable, Donghyuck.” 

“Thanks, babe. I do my best.”

“Fucking unbelievable. Stupid too.” He calls back to Donghyuck as he exits the kitchen. 

  
  
  
  
  


————

  
  
  
  


“Jun-ah. Injun. Jun. Jun. Junnie.” Donghyuck sings, crawling across the couch. He settles with his head is on Renjun’s stomach and his arms wrapped around Renjun's waist. When Renjun immediately starts wriggling in an attempt to get him off, Donghyuck turns to look up at him with wide, pleading eyes. 

“Why are you bothering me?” Renjun says, poking at Donghyuck’s shoulders with just enough force to be annoying. 

“I’m never a bother.” Donghyuck sniffs, tightening his hold. Renjun tickles under his sides, cackling in victory when Donghyuck squirms and lets go of him. Before he even processes what’s really happened, Donghyuck is twisted around so he’s lying on his back, with Renjun sitting on top of him. He’s still being tickled, kicking and shaking in his effort to get Renjun off. “Stop  _ stop stop. _ ” He gasps between laughs. “Mercy, please,  _ mercy. _ ”

Renjun stops. He rolls his eyes, but still, he grins down at Donghyuck while the latter pants in recovery. “I can’t even watch Our Planet without you bothering me.” 

Donghyuck scoffs. “Like it's so important for you to know a polar bear’s daily diet.” 

“Well, I’ll never find out, thanks to you,” Renjun says. He pauses to just look down at Donghyuck for a second. Donghyuck fidgets. “Seriously. What’s with you lately?” He wonders.

“Nothing.” It leaves his mouth too quickly. It sounds forced. Panic wells inside him, so he immediately turns his head back towards the television. Renjun’s hands grab his chin and turn his head back so they're face to face again. Donghyuck tries to avoid looking directly into his eyes. Renjun’s brows draw downwards as he focuses on Donghyuck.

“Something is. You’re clinging to everyone like a second skin.” He says, matter of fact enough to brook no argument. Donghyuck tries to twist his head out again. “Just look at me.” 

Donghyuck can’t, but Renjun isn't giving him any physical choice. Donghyuck is trapped, surrounded by him at all angles. His hands slide lower, and lower until they’re sitting just above the base of Donghyuck’s throat. He wants to lie again, but something about their weight won't let him. 

“Sometimes,” Donghyuck begins shakily, barely breathing as he adjusts to how Renjun’s hands on his neck. He isn't grabbing, but just resting his hands there. A gentle, steady pressure. “Sometimes, I just feel like I need your attention. Your full attention. _ All _ of your attention.” 

Renjun’s eyes pierce through him, dark and unreadable. For all his claims he can’t figure Donghyuck out, it feels like Renjun can see through him right now. He’s face-to-face with all of Donghyuck’s desire, assessing every tender part of him and leaving it exposed and vulnerable. “Hyuck-ah,” He says after a minute, his voice much lower than before. “I don’t think you could handle all of my attention.”

His heart twists inside his chest. He hears, more than feels, how he exhales bitterly. “But Jaemin can?” 

A better person would have backed down, let the tension cool and let the whole thing go. Ignore it, take it back, go back to being fine without question. But Donghyuck is not a better person. He’s selfish and envious and bitter. He just wants  _ so _ badly and he’s so tired of wanting. He’s so tired of suppressing his feelings. He has to get out of this limbo of doubt and useless pining. He convinces himself this is a logical step. When Renjun rejects him fully Jaemin, at least Donghyuck can leave this awful purgatory.

Or so he tells himself. Some small part of his brain knows that he will always want Renjun more than he’s supposed to.

“Jaemin?” Renjun’s eyebrows furrow, and he looks so confused, suddenly. “What does Jaemin have to do with you wanting my attention?” 

Donghyuck’s pride is already stinging: he doesn’t need Renjun pretending to be ignorant to spare his feelings. He's had enough of pretending, and of dancing around this. He wants it to be done. “You want Jaemin.” He says flatly. “I’m not stupid, Renjun. I see the way you act with him.” 

Renjun looks even more confused than before. Then he just laughs and laughs and laughs. That really isn’t any better for Donghyuck’s pride, but there’s nothing he can do about it. He looks pitiful already. He feels embarrassed and tense, pulled back and wound tight like a slingshot that's still pinned in place. Waiting to be released. Renjun buries his face in the space between Donghyuck’s neck and shoulder. 

“I don’t have feelings for Jaemin, idiot.” Renjun breathes.  _ Yes, you do. _ Donghyuck starts to argue, but Renjun’s teeth biting down softly on the side of his throat makes his brain short circuit. “I just don’t think you can handle me, sweetheart. I like you so much. I don’t think I’d be able to hold back.”

Donghyuck isn’t sure his brain is working. He can’t be hearing this right. Something must be lost in translation. Hope, for the first time in a week, blooms inside him. It’s sweet, and just a little painful. He pulls Renjun’s face from the side of his neck and finds him looking bashful and bright. His smile is unsure and wistful, and Donghyuck feels like he’s about to start swooning.

“Why don’t you try me then, Huang?” He manages. He can barely keep the happiness out of his voice. Renjun’s answering smile shines like a star that got stolen from the sky. It splits his face in half. And then they’re kissing, rushed and sweet. Donghyuck just wants him closer, pulls at him frantically. Renjun seems to feel the same, pulling and letting himself be pulled but his hands are still so gentle. He can feel when Renjun slows down a bit, just kissing him for the sake of kissing. He seems content, with his clever tongue and soft hands, to just lie on top of Donghyuck and make out with him for hours. The overinflated giddiness in his chest stills and turns into a slow, bubbling kind of happiness. 

“Polar bears eat seals.” Donghyuck breathes against his lips when they break apart. Renjun’s face scrunches in confusion. Donghyuck kisses him once more. “Sometimes orcas and stuff but mostly seals. They like blubber.” 

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“I was trying to tell you I had already watched this episode,” Donghyuck explains, grinning so hard his cheeks hurt. “But since you confessed so sweetly to me, instead I figured I could tell you that I like you, too. So much.” 

Renjun blinks down at him, and the look on his face is so similar to the one he made when Donghyuck gave him a forehead kiss that one time. He looks like he wants to be annoyed, but his face keeps twitching and his eyes are unbearably fond. “Shut up.” He finally says and hauls Donghyuck in for another kiss.

  
  
  
  
  


————

  
  
  
  
  


Donghyuck is trying to catch his breath, leaning against the mirrored wall of the studio. When he opens his eyes, he sees Jaemin and Renjun are swatting each other with the hand towels that meant to be used as hot compresses. He grins, overwhelmed by the affection he feels. Renjun is peeking over at him every few seconds like he can’t help it. The grin stretches even bigger over his face. Jaemin follows his gaze and laughs, before whispering in his ear and scrabbling to run away after. Renjun is right on his heels, winding the towel tight. 

“Is there like. Something going on between the three of you now?” Jeno asks Donghyuck, carefully. He’s been sitting next to Donghyuck since the beginning of their break but it’s the first time he’s said anything in a while. Donghyuck had assumed he was napping against the mirror. When he looks over, Jeno is frowning and his eyes keep tracing paths to  _ Jaemin-and-Renjun _ and then back to Donghyuck.

“Why?” Donghyuck feels his grin drop into a sly smirk, and he winks at Jeno. “Feeling left out? Do you wanna join the harem?” 

Jeno flicks his thigh. “Shut up. Jerk.” He’s quiet for a minute before he mumbles. “It wouldn’t be unlike Jaemin to form a harem, though.” 

Donghyuck is offended. He scoffs, “If there were a harem, you know damn well I’d be the center of it.” 

“You would not,” Jeno says, rolling his eyes. “That doesn’t seem your thing at all.”

A shrill shriek from Chenle interrupts them. Donghyuck looks to see Jaemin flitting across the room again, this time with Chenle following. Apparently, he’d gotten bored of annoying Renjun. Renjun, who finds his way over to the two of them and immediately lays down, resting his head on Donghyuck’s thigh. He smiles up at him. Donghyuck smiles back dopily.

“You’re right,” Donghyuck says softly to Jeno, as he runs his hands through Renjun’s hair. “I don’t really like sharing.” 

**Author's Note:**

> i recognize there is no plot to this except for donghyuck being overdramatic as he goes through the mortifying ordeal of being known. but, like, honestly that’s plot enough right?
> 
> surprisingly this one is beta’d a little bit. shout out to m, as always. title is from bastille’s flaws.
> 
> comments and kudos are a great source of protein for any writer💓  
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/mingyusclown) / [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/ripyifan)


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